A Four-Act Comedy of Conjugation, Crisis, and Croissants
Characters
Steve: A retired power plant operator and procedure writer, recently enthralled by French grammar.
Janice: New to France, learning French from zero, and trying not to lose her mind every time Steve opens his mouth.
ACT I
“Je Peux, You Don’t”
Scene: Late morning. Janice is seated with tea. Steve enters, waving a flashcard.
Steve: Guess what verb I conquered before breakfast?
Janice (without looking up): A wild guess—one of the thousand ways to say “to be”?
Steve: “Pouvoir!” “To be able to.” A mighty irregular. French’s answer to a jazz solo.
Janice: Before you unravel into interpretive dance, can you tell me something?
Steve (beaming): Anything.
Janice: What does “je peux” mean?
(Pause. Steve sits like a priest called to sermon.)
Steve: Ah, “je peux.” Such economy. Such elegance. Now, prepare yourself—
Janice: No, Steve, I just wanted—
Steve: “Je” is the first-person singular pronoun, meaning “I.” Now “peux” is the present tense, first-person singular conjugation of “pouvoir,” indicative mood. Not subjunctive, mind you. That would be . . .
Janice: I just wanted to know if I could use it to ask the waiter for the bill.
Steve: You could, but do you know what mood you’re in? Subjunctive? Conditional? Passive-aggressive imperative?
Janice: I’m in the mood to leave you at the café.
Steve: Let me diagram that on the board.
(He wheels out a whiteboard. Janice groans. Lights fade.)
ACT II
The Past Imperfect Partner
Scene: Evening. Same room. Grammar energy simmers. Janice is reading. Steve is pacing.
Steve: Janice. You sighed. Was that a subjunctive sigh?
Janice: If I were nostalgic, it would be for the days you only corrected people’s English.
Steve: Would you like to ask me what “nous avons voulu” means?
Janice: No.
Steve: But I’m ready.
Janice: Steve, I am not a grammatical exercise. I live with you, not inside a textbook. And if you do not stop parsing my life into clauses, I will become emotionally irregular.
Steve: You’re right. Forgive me. It’s just—French grammar is so . . . structured. Like procedure manuals.
Janice: Try giving me one day without a chart. No verbs. No moods. Just nouns. Coffee. Bread. Door. Out.
Steve: That’s not very subjunctive.
Janice: It’s definitively imperative.
(They sit in peace. Somewhere, a whiteboard collapses offstage.)
ACT III
Conditional Hazards
Scene: Morning. Corkboard, verb charts, and Bescherelle. Janice is mid-toast.
Janice: “Je voudrais un café”. . . present conditional. Seems safe enough.
Steve (entering with coffee): Did I hear conditional mood?
Janice: Steve.
Steve: “Je voudrais”— the conditional of “vouloir.” Courteous! Like saying “please” with grammar.
Janice: Is this coffee laced with prepositions?
Steve: Only a touch. Look, in English we say “I would like.” In French, it’s the mood itself. That’s elegance.
Janice: You want verbs to behave like nuclear rods. Predictable. Contained.
Steve: And safe.
Janice: Steve, not everything needs to be safe. I just want to order a pastry without being conjugated.
Steve: Okay. Fair.
Janice: I’m going out. If I see a waiter, I’ll nod and point. And if that fails, I’ll mime hunger. No verbs involved.
Steve: Don’t forget—“dehors” takes no article!
Janice: Neither does “help.”
(She exits. Steve begins diagramming the conversation.)
ACT IV
The Infinitive Crisis
Scene: Afternoon. Janice returns from the market with groceries.
Janice: I bought eggs. And a sense of calm.
Steve (surrounded by index cards): “Les oeufs.” Masculine plural. Irregular pronunciation. Spelled like a vowel accident.
Janice: Steve. When do I use “à” before an infinitive and when do I use “de”?
Steve (stunned): You’re ready for the prepositional divide?
Janice: If that’s what it’s called. No charts. Just the idea.
Steve: Some verbs take “à.” Like “commencer à faire.” Others take “de,”like “essayer de faire.” There are lists.
Janice: Can I just feel it out?
Steve: You want to intuit grammar?
Janice: Yes. The way I intuited how to buy cheese from a woman who spoke rapidly and judged my accent.
Steve: Did you use a full sentence?
Janice: I said “Je voudrais ceci” and pointed. She smiled. Called me “ma chère.”
Steve: “Ceci.” You brave soul.
Janice: I’m not mastering French. I’m surviving it.
Steve: More intuitive. Less procedural.
Janice: Exactly.
Steve (pause): Just one last thing.
Janice: Steve . . .
Steve: The verb “se débrouiller” means “to manage.” Reflexive. Takes “de.”
Janice (grins): Then: “Je me débrouille… avec toi.”
Steve (genuinely proud): Perfect use.
(Lights dim. An index card flutters to the floor: “Don’t over-explain.”)
CURTAIN.